hineni הנני

Here. I. Am

The very nature of all things is good however due to sin (Adam & Eve eating the apple) we can all make some pretty terrible decisions. Although doleful, our decision-making has less to do with WHO we are and more to do with HOW we are. Many of us have bad programming, due to trauma, due to years of self-neglect, abuse, etc. This bad programming has left us broken, lost, unfulfilled or like me, using whatever to just …feel …better. 

 I once thought I was a terrible person. In fact, I was convinced I was a terrible person. It didn’t matter how nice I was to the lady at the pharmacy counter,or how I used to buss it up with the homeless outside of 711 as a way to say “I see you even if nobody else does” or how I would answer anybody’s call, no matter the time,  whenever their day got too hard to carry. None of that mattered, I was INHERENTLY BAD, foul, and dirty.  

Stamped. 

When trauma convinces us we are bad people we act badly. At the root of all poor decisions & subsequently poorer outcomes is the core belief that this is what we deserve. 

I never even considered I was only mirroring what I had been through. That all the bad things that I did and said were merely a coat, that I could take off at any given time if I just remembered the very nature of what God intended for me, all of mankind to be … Good. Once I understood this I began to make changes in my life that would reflect what he KNEW and not what I FELT about me. 

People have hurt me, vehemently. Pain that makes you want to cuss at the stars, however, if I were to write them off as bad people, well I would have to throw myself in the same bin. People can change because well .. I am changing. When we decide to no longer act out, carry, or mirror the things we have been through we can get back to the basics. Back to the beginning, back to when God said

“It’s good”