Relationships n ‘tings

We all need Jesus

Back in the day I use to have a list, laundry list, of things I wanted a man to “bring to the table” this proverbial table included all the typical things … you know, “He needs to be kind to me” “He needs to hold down a job” “He needs to value the same things I value” etc etc. Overtime I would subtract things from this list dependent upon how I felt at the time or add to it, usually after a failed relationship “Ill remember to look out for that one thing next time”

All my relationships weren’t necessarily bad but A L L of them were draining. I would show up in the relationship with my checklist in hand, locked and loaded ready to give a kudos anytime my checklist, I mean needs were met or a stern critique whenever things I desired went amiss or flat out neglected by my partner.

Little did they know, I was constantly keeping a tally of everything they got right and everything they got

WRONG

The reality is people will fail us habitually.

Where there is humans, there is pain.

These mental notes I was keeping became hallmarks for frustration and anxiety. I was always in a state of offense and to be honest, it completely overshadowed my own shortcomings.

When we constantly put our happiness and fulfillment in someone else’s hands and not in the one who created both you and them, when mistakes happen (and they will) we find ourselves drowning in waves of deep disappointment. The illusion we created in our heads of our partner begins to rip. We start thinking “On second thought, maybe this person isnt the one”

….or “I don’t have to stick it out, I most certainly can and will find better”

Instead of thinking critically about our own motivations, the whole relationship becomes about them and what they are or aren’t doing right. If they are responsible for my happiness and my feelings of security and safety are tied to our relationship, I need them to be perfect, no matter how hard or unrealistic this desire may be.

“Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law.” Romans 13:8

Jesus loves us all. The first thing that happens when coming to Christ is the immediate awareness of one’s heart

Jesus

loved

people

…. deeply

He didn’t care what they looked like, what they did, or even planned on doing that day. He loved them unconditionally and that meant loving them through all of their mess, their failures, their mistakes, and their shortcomings.

Jesus didn’t just love people deeply he loved them effectively. Meaning his love transcended history. Jesus was heaven brought to earth. People became better, their physical and spiritual lives shifted.

They were truly healed.

Jesus was and is perfect. Unlike you or I, He was perfect in all of his ways especially in the way he loved and saw those he created even when those very people would call for his

Death

This type of love is truly beyond our comprehension.

As image bearers of the one true living God, He calls us to love people as we love ourselves.

“Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.” – Matthew 22:39

I think this has always posed a challenge for both christians and unbelievers alike because well people are without a doubt, hard to love. We are fickle, we are stiff-necked, we come to the table with pre downloaded ideas, experiences, complex upbringings and justifications.

Loving people is indeed hard.

But thats not all,

…It gets harder…

God isn’t just calling us to love people, he is calling us to love them as ourselves

All the while expecting and demanding perfection from my partners and grasping for a level of safety and security that only Jesus could provide, I was completely and conveniently blind to the fact that I was loving people the way I loved myself and it was TOXIC.

Ive always been hard on myself. Always acted as if myself and I were never on the same team. That this woman was something to be tolerated instead of seen, honored, respected and more importantly, understood. My lack of empathy and grace for myself showed up tirelessly in my relationships.

I was indeed loving people as myself and it was a fools errand.

Moreover I was expecting men who didnt know Jesus and hadnt submitted themselves under the authority of divine leadership, to love me well.

Ha! utter bafoolery.

Even the best man or woman would be a sharpened dagger through the heart of those they claimed to love if they dont know Jesus.

Jesus is the standard.

Expecting people to love us in ways that supersede the natural condition of mans heart is quite frankly INSANE. I truly thought for 20 years I was loving people well. You couldn’t convince me I wasn’t Top 5 on somebody’s “Best girlfriend of all time” list

Sure I wasn’t flat out horrible and yes, Ive been told “Marisa you are one of the best women Ive ever dated” but how much weight does that compliment even hold when we both are blind lol???

God examines the heart. When we surrender and give him full access in our lives he brings to our attention all the mucky muck within us. Through the working of his spirit, we are now forced to address and/or reconcile the childhood moments we thought we healed from, the trauma and grief we refused to confront, the times we confused lessons for a soulmate.

Many of us are walking around with blinders on and its not only draining those around us but we are killing ourselves. To be completely honest, I was so hurt. I was broken for so long I normalized dysfunction. When you live a life without Jesus, things get jumbled. bad is Good and Good is bad. This redefining what is right and wrong keeps us in tangled webs of confusion, complacency and chaos.

In today’s world, Social media dating discourse holds precedence over scripture. Podcast fodder has shaped our ideas and perspectives and thats partly why most of us are struggling to keep our relationships afloat. We allow others who are just as blind as we are to create a framework for our connections. These ideas and tropes prove to be meaningless when we start fully examining our lives.

When we start putting our social media feed next to the Bible, the thoughts and ideas pale greatly in comparison

We also end up wasting a lot of time with people who needed God more than us.

If we aren’t loving people in ways that brings them closer to God, drawing them to their full purpose in Christ, what are we really doing?

Loving people isnt easy, in fact, love and forgiveness is one of the hardest task we’ve been given as humans.

However it is worth it. My inner world changed greatly once God showed me who I was fully,

and my outer world changed once I came to God humbly, on bended knees with one simple yet life altering request

“Please give me a new heart”

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me” – Psalm 51:10

God is love

amen

and

amen

🕊️