Give me Jesus

Growing up , when I use to hear folks talk about Jesus coming back, I use to feel FEAR.

Growing up with a Grandmother who did not play about the Lord, I was dedicated in 1995 under the demonintion widely known as the “Church of God in Christ” or COGIC for short. This meant, from a jit, I was no stranger to loud wailing over church songs and hymnals, the power of the holy ghost (now widely known as the holy spirit), shouts whenever the preacher spoke on something that hit close to home, talking in tongues and miraculous signs and wonders displayed right in front of me.

Whether I understood fully what the older saints meant when they said “God is good” or that “Jesus is alive and well” between teary-eyed smiles and reverent head nods, I cant quite remember, I just knew they were were serious.

I knew church was a place where people went to unburden their souls or like the preacher man said “leave different than they came”

“Jesus is coming back you know” – Grandmother

“Yeah, well everyone says that momma, the generation before you said that too”

“Dont matter who said it before or after me, Jesus is coming back, are you ready?”

Talks like this were routine in my grandmother’s house. Although I hadn’t fully walked away from God yet during these ongoing conversations, my heart was lightyears apart from his. I HATED discussing his return and I had my reasons too.

See, I had plans. I wanted to become successful, I wanted to travel the world, I wanted to…you ….know, make a name for myself. If this was in fact Gods earth than I wanted to enjoy it and God’s return quite frankly, was standing in my way. This rub that was my lifes plan versus Gods ultimate plan left me scared, flustered, and wanting to escape both my grandma’s house and His.

So, I revolted.

“I aint going to church no more” – I said after playing the “Hidden Colors” DVD I convinced both my grandmother and mother to watch in hopes it would open their eyes to my newfound “freedom”

My Grandma and Mother, however, were unimpressed both said in unison looking back at me “….Ok”

Once Hidden Colors came on the scene it was a wrap for this sometimey church girl. Hidden colors spoke to not only my reality as a Black girl but also promised something new, Jesus wasn’t real and Christianity was one big hoax, and therefore, my days on this earth were secured. If Jesus isnt real, and we landed on this earth by spontaneous combustion or some, idk mysterious element or force, that meant I didn’t need to worry about my soul and where it was going. There was no life after death.

We didn’t need to be controlled by a God we could not see nor concern ourselves with his return.

Jackpot Baby! Game won!

If I had been smart I would have known that my mother and grandmother’s “ok” was a lot more bitter than sweet.

That “ok” really meant “hope to see you when you return, IF youre even given a chance to do so”

See the truth needs no rebuttal. It has no desire to refute or stand up for itself; for the truth stands up all on its own.

20 years of my life was spent partying, drinking, and running away from the arms of a Good God who wanted me to live a Good life, who wanted nothing from me or for me but peace

funny how a 1 hour DVD would keep me in bondage for over 20 years. one lie can keep you ensnared way longer than you bargained for.

when you start negotiating with the devil, do understand, he plays for keeps.

So many of us are being soothed by comfortable lies in an effort to avoid uncomfortable and unavoidable truths. Escape artist we all are but we cannot escape the grasp of death, nor the one we will have to stand in front of when he calls his breath back

The one, this ONE is a HOLY and JUST God, and hes waiting for us all

“For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil” 2Corinthians 5:10

Needless to say, “Hidden Colors” wasn’t the ticket to freedom I thought it was (Pseudo intellectualism loses again *womp womp*). Truth be told, no matter where one turns, whether to the left or to the right, youll always bear his face. we cant escape our humanness no matter how hard we try.

We will always look like God.

…Dependent, needy and vulnerable we’ll forever be

The good news is, I am now reunited with my first love. This was only by his grace and the prayers of those who never gave up on me.

Its

been

a

journey.

I’ve lost so much trying to string together a life of my own. Last year, I came to God with a heart full of despair and hands full of pain. I came with all honesty too. “I need you, please come see about me” I was completely heartbroken and exhausted by life but he didn’t flinch nor hold his head down embarrassed by my upheaval

It was like, he had been waiting on me.

It was like he whispered into the blackest depths of my weary soul

“My Daughter, Welcome home”

So many of us have traded in our priestly throbs for slave clothes. Enslaved and ensnared by temporary passions and lusts, or like me, an appetite for the riches of this world. Our Idols, no matter how big or small, cannot save us.

They are truly lifeless.

They are without eyes to see and ears to hear.

We have poured our affections into broken cisterns and I think thats we are more dissatisfied with our lives than ever before.

In the famous words of the Black older saints in their wide-brimmed hats and silk–lined shawls “Give me Jesus”

And they most certainly would be right.

“Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows, But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed – Isaiah 53:4-5

“You know, Jesus is coming back soon mommy” – Me, 2025

“I know baby, oh, I know”

🕊️